The Humor Room


I am my own grandpa!!!

Many many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
then that also made him brother
to the widow's grown-up daughter
who, of course, was my stepmother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!!

 

A man is out in the woods when he comes across a bear. Frightened for his life, he runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and hides in a cave. He is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave, and now the man is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed - also praying. The man thinks to himself "how lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear! We're mishpocheh - I'm saved!" And then he listens very carefully to the bear's prayer: "hamotzi lechem min haaretz"...

Who is Jack Schitt? The Lineage Revealed ...
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says,"You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now, you can handle the situation.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Olive Goode Schitt, a distant cousin and the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt, Inc.
Jack was the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. In turn, Jack Schitt married another distant cousin Noe Schitt
.

The deeply religious couple produced six children, including the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; also, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Holie Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe, in spite of their faith,unfortunately divorced. Noe later married Mr. Hemlock Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. So, she was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married a close cousin, Loda Schitt, and they produced a cowardly son, Chickin Schitt, and a daughter, Lotta Schitt.

Sisters Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout

Childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers, in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horce.

Bull Schitt, the dropout, who became a salesman, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them!...

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and hewent into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there areno Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews!"

Sadam called President Clinton and said, "Bill, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night.I could see all of America, and it was beautiful. And on top of every building there was a flag. Clinton said , " What was on the flag?"
Sadam said, "Allah is G_d, , G_d is Allah".Clinton said, " You know Sadam, I'm really glad you called because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Bagdad , and it was even more beautiful than before the war .It had been completely rebuilt. And on every building there was a flag." Sadam said, "Bill,what was on the flag?"
Clinton replied," I really don't know , I can't read Hebrew!"

Remember When....
A computer was something on tv
from a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean
and ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and Gig was your middle finger upright
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes
an application was for employment
a program was a tv show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
memory was something that you lost with age
a cd was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
you hoped nobody found out
compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while
log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu
I guess i'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead

God was fed up. In crash of thunder, he yanked uo to Heaven three influential humans:
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.
"The human race is a complete disappoitment" God boomed. "You each have one week to prepare you followers for the end of the world".
With another crash of thunder, they found themselves back on Earth.

Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news", he announced grimly. "The goods news is that there is a God. The bad news is, God's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."

In Russia, Yeltsin announce to parliament, "Camrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong, there is a God. The worse news is, God's mad and is going to end the word in a week".

Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth, " he beamed, "the better news is we don't have to fix Windows 98".

Why God Never Received Tenure At Any University

1. He had only one publication
2. It was in Hebrew
3. It had no references
4. Some had doubts that he wrote it
5. While he created the world, what has he done since then.
6. The scientific community has been unable to replicate his results.
7. He failed to get the Ethics Board permission to use human subjects.
8. When one experiment failed, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
9. He rarely came to class, just told his subjects to read the book.
10. His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountain top.
11. His requirements numbered only ten, but most students failed the test
.

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. Last night I made love to two 18 year old girls. Twice, in fact."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."

Associated Press - Monica L., in a statement released today, countered the President firm denial:
"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't handle my stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face."

"This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on."

"I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica L. isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it."

The mother-in-law
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

The Beauties of Marriage

"Did you fake it this time, darling?" the man asked after making love to his wife.

"No, dear," she replied, "This time I was really asleep."

Beware!!! New virii on the block...


 

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